An Ocean of Blue
by WintersGuardian
Summary: A journal entry from the Champion of Cyrodill's diary.


Just so ya know, I kinda don't own any of the characters or content that was made by Bethesda ( I totally wish I owned Martin though...) And just to forewarn you, I wrote this at 3 in the morning so it's really crappy, but please leave reviews and tell me what you like and what you think is a total fail! I will love you either way! And finally, I am trying to post this on my tablet, so if anything is messed up or there is like a giant space between my paragraphs, it's because my tablet is being stupid and everything looks tiny to , you can read now. :3

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I remember the expression on your face when I walked into Cloud Ruler Temple way after the sun was gone from the sky, and after I had been gone for weeks. It was a concotion of stress, extreme joy, and relief. You didn't seem to realize that everything about you screamed 'where the hell have you been!?' even though you knew I went to Sancre Tor. You ran up to me and stressed over my health and well being. I was so tired that I hardly heard any of it. All I remember is my weak voice coming out cracked and scratchy saying over and over that I had retrieved the armor of Tiber Septim. Of course, you weren't listening, or at least I thought you weren't. After that, the only thing I heard you say was, 'Atsila, I don't care...about the armor'.

The next thing I know, everything was silent. Like the world was holding its breath. I was looking up at you. You were so close that I could feel your breath upon my lips. And I remember being afraid. Afraid of loving you. Afraid of knowing that I could never be with you, yet wanting to be so badly. I was afraid of losing you. But I couldn't move. I was lost in the ocean of you deep blue eyes. Then you kissed me.

I felt a wave of emotions. I couldn't seem to pick out any of them specifically though. The one thing I remember feeling is the numbness of the moment. Having no one there to see you. Not having to care about what rank or class you were in, or how Much money you had. Just being there to care for each other. The feeling only lasted but seconds and was instantly gone when you pulled away. And I was once again in an ocean of blue. But my mind was somewhere else entirely. I was thinking to myself that I could NEVER love you, no matter how hard i tried. Because you were the emperor of Tamriel and I was but the dirt beneath your boots.

Then at that moment, you stopped and didn't brush me aside or sweep me into a corner to be forgotten. No, for some odd reason you picked me up, and shaped me into the person I am now. And because of this small act of kindness, you wormed your way into my heart, and slowly became a part of me, and I just couldn't live without you. Then we were kissing again, and we did not care what anyone would think of us. We didn't care if our love could only survive in secret.

I don't know what you were thinking. I never could completely understand you, but I swear you were thinking what I was thinking. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because one moment we were downstairs in the main hall, gasping for breath when we could not hold it any longer, then the next, we were in your room with the door shut behind us. And no one was awake to hear our desperate pleas, lost in the cold chill of the air. No one was there when we were calling out each others names. In time, this night will be lost forever to everyone but us, and that will be for the best.

After that night, after I had awaken to the sound of your rich voice, everything went back to normal, as if nothing had happened. The only thing that told me that you still loved me was the longing look in your eyes. The few extra seconds that your gaze stayed focused on me, then had to be forced away with great effort. I saw these things in you. Loved these little things, and I was the only one that ever saw them.

Days, weeks and months passed. We were so close to each other, yet we were so far. So very far. I would do anything for you without hesitation, and still when you went up to bed, all you would say was a simple 'goodnight' then I would not see you till morning. It pained me, but I knew, you knew, that this was for our own benefit. Because we knew we could NEVER love each other, no matter how hard we tried. And so I continued to be the errand girl. Retrieving the things we needed, going through paradise, killing Camoran,

Then the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. All of our struggles, all of our effort to stop the oblivion crisis washed away. It was blown away like nothing in the wind. Dagon was here. Lighting the Dragon Fires would no longer work. We felt hopeless, doomed, like our gods had abandoned us. You would not believe how worried you looked. The raw fear painted across your face, the feeling of defeat, failure, written into the softness of your skin. It was so strong, so visible that it made my stomach sick. Right then, you weren't the Martin that I knew, and that scared me.

Then I did the stupidest thing. 'What about the amulet?' I said. I now regret that. That one question made you do the most heroic thing I have ever seen. You told me that you still needed to get to the Temple of the One. You told me I had to trust you. I shouldn't have. I should have known you were going to do this, but instead, I guided you straight to your doom. Straight to the salvation of Tamriel, and my sorrow.

When we got to the temple, you turned to me. You told me that you could not stay to rebuild Tamriel, and I was crying, asking you what that meant, hoping it didn't mean what I thought. You were telling me that it was going to be alright that I was going to be okay. And I remember asking, 'what about you?' then I told you that I didn't care if I was going to be okay or if I was going to die, either way, I was not going to do anything until I knew YOU would be safe. I was holding your arm, screaming 'please' until I couldn't say anything at all. You wrapped your arms around me and gently kissed me one last time. I then let go of your arm and sunk to the ground. I couldn't do anything but sit there and stare up at you. I must have looked pitiful because your faced morphed into an expression of guilt. You looked as if, you were trying to apologize for something that you had to do, like it was your fault for the Dagon invasion.

Then you turned and walked away. I don't remembered what happened exactly but one moment you were there, the next a dragon stood in your place. Then it fought Dagon. Destroyed him I suppose. The dragon stood there, panting, then it turned and looked at me. I just stared back. Not able to move or wanting to. I stared deep into its eyes and for a moment, I was lost in an ocean of blue. And all I could manage was a silent whisper. A 'I love you'. Then you were truly gone. The dragon was frozen in a powerful position. Nothing like you. You never sought power. And to me, you were always just a priest. A quiet, confused, mingled priest that felt small and betrayed by his gods. And I was always that girl that was good at being left behind, even by you.

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Wow, that was a nightmare! I click on something, then it erases it so I have to go back and fix it, but it wont let me. And I just now relized that I can full screen the stupid thing! *note to self* Never upload on my tablet... by Sithis I'm never doing that again! So on that note, if a sentence is cut off or its all crazy, it's not my fault!


End file.
